Sunday, June 13, 2010

Sick of being sick

so today i decided that i would touch on a different more pertinant subject in my life right now. Constant illness, or at least it feels like it. For years now i have had crazy diseases and the run of the mill ones...I am so tired of it. This last has plagued me for life and I'm so tired of it. I get comments all the time about my weight yet no one even attempts to understand why or don't care to. It's easier to blame someone for weight issues ie. overeating, laziness, etc. then to actually take a step back and figure out why. Some of us actually have legitimate reasons. I've tried dieting twice now to have complete faliure, which makes dealing with it mentally that much harder. I pray every day that someday the swelling and edema will leave my legs and allow me to do the things that I love so much. The pain it causes me everyday has become very difficult to bear. Last time i was in the ER i was in so much pain they put me on morphine, yet it seems as if no one can give me a straight answer as to why i still have so many problems with my leg. The lastest 'reasoning' is that i did something wrong to my ankle and that is why it's so painful. come on now people this is nothing new. you would think by now my doctors would at least have some kind of a clue. Sigh. Being overweight makes a lot of simple things in life very difficult. I can't lay the way i want, can't sit the way i want, can't even go to the bathroom like a normal person. This is absolutely ridiculous, yet everytime i think about trying to diet again all i can see in my future is more failure or more illness. the only diet i can think of that I KNOW will take off the weight somewhat is Atkins and all i hear is that it could kill me because of my predisposition to blood clots. Excercise is near impossible because of my biking, hiking, long walks, etc. Only excercise i can think of that i know doesn't hurt as much is swimming and if it doesn't warm up soon i'll never get the chance before summer's out. I wish i could get a membership at the YMCA, but i can't afford it on the limited amount of money i get monthly. I can barely take on the bills i have now.

I think for now i'm going to 'walk away' from this discussion because the last thing i need is to allow myself to become more depressed then i already am.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Trying Days

Ever have a 'calgon take me away' day? Yep. That would be today for me. Constant chaos from the moment I awoke until now, when I'm desperately awaiting the moment that I can lay my head on that pillow and drift off into nothingness.

So in my first blog I gave a basic script of what my life had and has been since I turned 18. For some reason tonight I feel like taking a step back in time to the 'beginning' or what I know of it. Hope you can bear with me through it. lol

I was conceived out of wedlock, pushing my parents into making a hasty decision to marry. They named me after my great grandmother Lorraine. Hate the name, but I'll live. They made cassette tapes as I grew of me learning to talk. I found it hilarious that one of the first words out of my mouth was beer. My dad taught me that one, go figure. Then my brother James can along. He was only with us a short four months before he passed away. He was found by my mother in the living room...gone. I can still remember hiding under my parents bed and my dad attempting to coax me out. Funny how you remember the strangest things during times of crisis. His death was particularly difficult on my mother because she had just found out she was pregnant with my sister, but life must go on.

I think I shall end it there for this evening and continue soon. My son has FINALLY gone to sleep and after I unwind from this whirlwind of a day it will be my turn.

Goodnight to all!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Greet and meet....

So here I am to rant about crap in my life just like all the others. I figured I would start off by a little introduction about myself. At 19 I had my first child with what i though was the love of my life. (side note to all you youngsters that think you are in love...WAIT to make til you're at least 25 lol) So I oldest son is now thirteen. MY 'love of my life' and I were married and had a second child. He lived to be a day shy of three months and died from SUDI. A future blog will explain that load of crap. months later my jackass 'love of my life' said he wanted a divorce. I felt like a total idiot when i found out that bastard had been cheating on me since before we even got married. So much for 'love'. Once again that is something I will rant about later.

Years later I met another man that I became engaged to and went on to have a child with. He left when my son was eight months old and hasn't seen him since. So here I sit a single mother of three (if you want to get technical 2). My oldest is 13 now and my youngest is 5. I have two years of college behind me towards a nursing degree and am fighting off illness so i can finish out my degree and work towards a much better life.

So now that you have the synopsis of my life I should let you know what this blog will be about. I will talk about past experiences and what I've learned from them, current experiences and how i interpret them, and the future and what I feel it holds. There will be laughter, there will be tears, and the anger and frustration will flow right along with it all.

Anyone who follows me on here, I hope you have the ambition and drive to never be afraid to express yourself and feel more than welcome to comment!

Nice to meet all of you and I look forward to taking on each trial and tribulation as it comes!